Home Alone

I love Home Alone. The basic concept that one outwits another with the help of completely asinine traps is genius. I have a few ideas for famous films that would drastically improve with the help of the Home Movie formula.

1. Amadeus

One of my all time favorite movies! In this film, super dick Antonio Salieri formulates a sinister plan to kill his rival Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart by working him to death. I think the movie would have been a lot better if Salieri decides to destroy Mozart's work through sabotage.

In this version of the film, Salieri and his henchmen try all the classic moves to ruin Mozart's greatest plays. From cutting sand bags to feeding ensemble cast members laxatives, no dirty trick is left out. Unlike the original concept for Home Alone, Salieri is thwarted as most of his dastardly deeds fail or go relatively unnoticed(I'm a big fan of laxative pranks where the two get switched and the pranksers get the wrong one. The big finale will be where Salieri puts fireworks into the brass instrument section and unintentionally produces a firework extravaganza that allows Mozart's work to go down as the greatest work ever witnessed in Vienna. Salieri gets his just desserts as well; I think there will be a part where he gets dunked with a bucket of water.

3. Saving Private Ryan

In case you missed this one, Saving Private Ryan is the story of eight soldiers paling around war torn Europe in World War 2. Their primary objective is to find some other soldier and return him back home in the states. In the climax of the film, the soldiers post a last stand as they get stuff in the middle of an all out offensive against overwhelming odds. The soldiers must also protect a bridge too.

Even though Saving Private Ryan sort of implemented Home Alone tactics(sticky bombs and Molotov cocktails), the new version will be with tactics that tickle the funny bone rather than prove tragically fatal(I admit, I laughed my ass off when the one soldier blew up because he held his sticky bomb too long). The German soldiers will still use dangerous machine guns while the Americans use only their wits and items within arms reach. The highlight of the film will be when the Americans pave the road with super glue which cause the Germans to fight barefoot on a battlefield full of broken Christmas ornaments. Another idea would be mason jars full of honey and a box full of bees.

In the end, the super evil German soldier(played by Peter Stromare) infiltrates the American defenses. He is ready to kill our heroes, but is stopped by the creepy next door neighbor with the snow shovel. This will give us the classic message that you can't judge a book by it's cover... unless they are Nazis.

Comic Book Movies

Dark Knight, Hellboy: The Golden Army, and iron Man are just around the corner. It is no suprise that comic book movies make a crap load of money in the box office... well, most of the time. Here are a few suggestions for comic books that could make it to the silver screen.

1. Bone: Jeff Smith's epic. Three cartoon characters known as Bones venture into a fantasy world that is under siege by a mysterious menace known as the Lord of the Locusts. Bone is perfect for Robert Zemeckis animation group(Polar Express and Beowulf). Fun Fact: Bone holds the record for the longest self published comic book. For those who are familiar with Bone here are a few voice talent suggestions.

Fone Bone: Pamela Adlon
Phoney Bone: Billy West
Smiley Bone: Hank Azaria

Thorn: Natalie Portman
Grandma Ben/Briar: Cate Blanchett
Lucius Down: Kevin Conroy
Red Dragon: John Dimaggio

2. Astonishing X-Men

Joss Whedon(Firefly)'s version of X-Men is awesome. Cyclops, Beast, Wolverine, Shadowcat, White Queen, and Colossus fight against Danger, a rogue alien program bent on destroying the X-Men through infiltrating their training room. The synopsis does come off a little weak, but the special effects will be amazing(Hey, worked for Starship Troopers and Transformers). I would recommend Joss Whedon to direct this, and the team behind the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Some Josh Whedon friendly actors for this:

Cyclops: Nathan Fillin
Shadowcat: Michelle Trachtenberg
Colossus: Adam Baldwin(Yes, I know)

3. Planet Hulk

Possibly one of the best Hulk stories written(by Greg Pak) in the last ten years(Future Imperfect is great too). Hulk is sent into space and crashes on a war world(Think Star Wars and Gladiator). This story has more action than you can shake a stick at. There is even a point where the Hulk fights Silver Surfer(Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer did bank in the box office). Perfect for computer animation, or possibly anime. Brad Bird(Incredibles) or Yoshiaki Kawajiri(Ninja Scroll) to direct. Voice talents:

Hulk: John DiMaggio
Red King: John Rafter Lee
Korg: Clancy Brown
Meik: Frank Welker

Until next time

A Sequel

Even though it has been denied, The Pirates of the Caribbean 4 is a easy way to make a quick dollar.

When we last left our anti-hero, Jack went looking for the Fountain of Youth as did his rival, Barbosa. Although the idea of another sequel seems kinda silly, I do know box office receipts, and this is something that is too good to pass up. Here is a synopsis.

The Black Pearl hits Florida. The crew has already survived An evil curse, cannibal headhunters Davy Jones, the East India Trading Company, and Asian Martial Artists. What could they possibly fight next? How about the Spanish Armada led by famous explorer now crazed maniac, Ponce De Leon(played by Hugh Jackman...remember Fountain?)?

Before questions are asked let me finish.

As to be expected the dopey crew of the Black Pearl gets themselves captured. They soon realize they share a cell with their twice(or is it three) removed captain, Jack Sparrow. Jack lets everyone know he has seen the fountain. As to be expected all pass transgressions are dropped between Jack and Barbosa, so they team up to find a way out, but we all know it wont last. A bombshell at this point would be that Elizabeth Swan was on board The Black Pearl in disguised as a crew member THE WHOLE TIME.

Even though she has cut her ties with Jack, she still loves his pirate ways and knew he would need her help(Plus Orlando Bloom has already departed as the new Davy Jones. I mean If you only see your one true love every ten years it's okay to cheat. Especially if it's Johnny Depp).

Of all the stupid stuff that happened in the previous movies, please don't start asking questions now. Remember Calypso? That was real crucial to the plot, if you're Michael Bay.

So the characters break out and head towards the Fountain of Youth. Alot of long and drawn-out fighting sequences are used(I want to make a long jungle fight scene, that puts the one from Dead Man's Chest to shame). During the fighting, everyone gets split up and only Jack, Elizabeth, Barbosa, and those two goofy crewmates remain(The fat one with the bad teeth and the one with the missing eye.). They find the Fountain of Youth.

As to be expected all bets are off and Jack and Barbosa fight. Only one of them will drink from the fountain.

Pirates just don't like sharing.

Pounce De Leon arrives and joins in. Elizabeth also joins. After a lot of sword play and loud noise, Pounce De Leon reveals that the Fountain of Youth has a terrible curse, and that he and his shipmates have been stuck in Florida for over 200 years. Before he can finish his tale of woe, Jack rushes away and dives into the drink not caring about the consequences.

Jack exits the fountain as..... a toddler! Gasp!

Pounce De Leon reveals that the fountain returns all who drink back to infancy and must live life all over again. He explains that even with that in mind, he and his crew have been periodically drinking from the fountain as a way to always be on guard so no one can suffer the horrible fate. I mean come on, who wants to go to school again?

Barbosa leaves feeling as though he has had the last laugh, and takes the crew of the Black Pearl with him. Ponce De Leon also leaves with his soldiers. Elizabeth is alone with Jack. The End

This is a perfect time to point out that with this story in mind, the ending to At World's End would be WAY funnier. I also think that Disney can do what they do best and make crappy television shows based off of hit movies.

The Adventures of Young Jack Sparrow. An animated delight where Jack must cross swords with dangerous pirates all while getting his homework done on time. Tim Curry can be the bad guy. There will also be his stupid assistant played by Patrick Warburton. Jack can be played by Billy West and Elizabeth can be played by Tress MacNeille or Lauren Tom(They're both pretty great).

It's Disney gold.

Strike!!!

The Writers Guild of America is ready to go on strike(or they may already have depending on when you read this post). Hollywood is frantically buying scripts. The scriptwriting business has never been hotter! I'm talking Crazy Malibu Wildfire Hot!

Anyways...

With this in mind, I feel the time has come to post script ideas on this site as a way to let those big studio types to know that there are countless want-a-be writers out there who would kill to see their ideas on the big screen(including yours truly).

Let's start!

Today's movie idea is a simple one. As of late, Hollywood has been creating a lot of remakes. In the past several years we have seen Halloween, Flight of the Phoenix, The Omen, The Heartbreak Kid, Alfie, The Italian Job, Guess Who('s Coming to Dinner), 3:10 to Yuma, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on. Obviously they are making money, which is why there are so damn many on them. So, I went into my collection of old movies and I looked for movies I felt deserved a remake; I narrowed it down to two possible titles. One of these was The Human Tornado starring Rudy Ray Moore(for personal reasons) and the other was The Toy.

For those who don't remember The Toy, Jackie Gleason is a rich family man who decides to buy his son, Eric any toy he wants. The son, naturally overlooks the Atari 2800 and decides to adopt a black man who is down on his luck named Jack played by Richard Pryor. As you all can guess, hilarity ensues. Jack and Eric perform wild antics around the mansion that are on par with any episode of Mr. Bean(minus the overextended use of the laugh track). In the end, we all learn a valuable lesson. Money can buy you happiness(Not Happyness).

My remake of The Toy will be in the spirit of the remake of Guess Who('s Coming to Dinner). The original is a story of a black man(played by Sidney Poitier) who is invited to meet his white girlfriend(played by Katherine Houghton)'s family(Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn). This stirred a lot of controversy back in 60's due to the fact that interracial relationships was still outlawed in most southern states. This thought provoking film was later bastardized by a 2005 remake where the writers thought it would be funny to tell the same story, but change the races. Spencer Tracy was replaced by Bernie Mac and Sidney Poitier was replaced by Aston Kutcher. It made just short of 70 million dollars in America alone(Numbers don't lie, Hollywood)

With that in mind, let's talk about The Toy remake. Jackie Gleason will be replaced by the always funny Chris Rock. Chris feels emotional estranged from his son(who will probably be played by that kid from The Bernie Mac Show). Chris feels the only way to connect is to buy him anything he wants. The son naturally overlooks the Playstation 3 and decides to adopt a down on his luck man played by none other than box office favorite Adam Sandler(Oh my God, that is so money).

I just made someone a 100 million dollars just with that last paragraph. Don't believe me? Check out the gross for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

And like Chuck and Larry, I will put Chris Rock and Adam Sandler through a gauntlet of unrealistic circumstance(Mostly physical comedy someone will definitely get kicked in the balls before this one is over) . The audience will howl with delight as Chris Rock lays down a slew of racially intolerant jokes at Adam Sandler's expense(I'm talking lines that make Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker look like Sinbad: Afros and Bellybottoms). Adam Sandler will do what he does best and deliver a series of wacky voices that can be seen on any of his previous episodes of Saturday Night Live.

So, there you have it folks, with a great idea like this up for grabs, Hollywood can safely say "Go to hell, Writers Guild of America!". Hopefully Hollywood will send me a check and a letter stating "You're hired!". No? Can I at least have the check?